How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I saw my Girlfriend jogging today and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse..." Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van!!..

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?' I said 'Tourettes, you wanker, now fuck off!'

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I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.
She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.
"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."
"My fuckin' scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole," she replied.

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A young Jewish guy wants to join parliament as an MP, so asks God for his advice.
God replies "you won't get a job there my son, they only allow complete pricks in"..

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"Things i say
most while driving"...
"You're welcome dickhead after you let them through but don't say thanks"
"You can get a fucking bus through there"
"Put your foot down then prick"
"What the fucks he/she looking at"
"You've got indicators,fucking use them"
"Fucking move then"
"The lights are green,go ffs".......feel free to add any more....

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An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"

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Bruce took his missus Sheila to the Ekka in Brissie and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." Sheila playfully nudged Bruce in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." Sheila gave Bruce a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Sheila, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bruce's ribs, said, that's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one."
Bruce looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if all those times it was with the same old cow."