How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - Style are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop annoying you.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, ‘I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it’.

#6 - On time is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.



A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

"Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Sorry, but I didn't recognize you”.



An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty-litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast

[layback40]

An older, tired looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...

'HE LIVES IN A HOME WHERE I AM THE MUM OF THREE VERY ACTIVE SMALL CHILDREN... CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"



Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A, I’ve lost my tractor.

Q: How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? A: He gave her a ring.

Q: How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? A: By its bark.

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

Some days you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

[Banshee]

[layback40]

Sent by Doug. A reminder that one word in the English language can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now...my time is UP!



A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."



Back in the early 1400's, chess became super popular in a European community. There was a certain group of people in particular who were especially enthusiastic about the game. They meet up to play chess with each other at every opportunity.

Eventually, this obsession with playing chess caught the attention of the church leaders who noticed that this group of people were skipping church to play chess instead. This was seen as blasphemous, and they were ordered to stop immediately.

Unfortunately, the draw of the game proved too strong for these chess aficionados and after continuing to defy the church, they were arrested and tried for heresy. They were found guilty and sentenced to be burned at the stake.

This public execution, held in the town square, became the first recorded incident of chess nuts roasting on an open fire.



Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandkids. Dolly said “Each year I send each of my grandkids a card with a generous cheque inside. I never get a thank you message from any of them”.

Ruby replies “I send my grandkids a generous cheque too. I hear from them within a week. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit”.

“Wow! How come?” remarked Dolly.

“Simple, I don’t sign the cheque!”

[layback40]

Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[layback40]

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.

[layback40]

Another Government study provides outstanding results.

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Territory Government approved, and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths. When crows eat roadkill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say Car Car, but he could not say Truck.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent.



Australian Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world, but we all need to be reminded from time to time:


In General:

Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.



Eating Out:

When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.



Entertaining at Home:

A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.



Personal Hygiene:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.



Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.



Weddings:

Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.



Driving Etiquette:

Dip your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.