How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My generation were Home Schooled even though we went to school five days a week.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

My father taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... Amen”.



A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"



A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to uni to study medicine. So that no one gets their entrance scores messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

[layback40]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So, they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”



Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.

The second crows take a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.

"Look at its hand. No mobile phone", says the second crow.



A couple were going on a vacation together, but the wife had an emergency at work. So, they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there ok.

As he typed in her email address, he made a typo, and his email was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had sadly died just the day before.

When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the holiday maker, let out an awful, loud, piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

[layback40]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her, and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."



Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."



Everyone Asked A 100-Year-Old Man and His 98-Year-Old Wife for Their Health Secrets

The old man said: "I'll tell you, my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So, I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years!" Everyone applauded and asked again, "But how come your wife is very healthy as well?"

The old man answered: "That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometres!"

[layback40]

Hope this works!
https://www.facebook.com/reel/154824...ibextid=Nif5oz

[layback40]

I went to buy a camouflage tent the other day.

I couldn’t find any.



An adventurer was paddling on a river in winter.

Feeling cold, he lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too…



Why does Humpty Dumpty like camping in autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.



Why don’t mummies go on camping trips?

Because they’re afraid to relax and unwind.



What’s a tree’s favourite drink?

Root beer.



What do you call a bunch of crows out for camping?

Murder within tent.



Why do trees have so many friends?

They branch out.



Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.



Where do campers keep their money?

In a river bank.



What is camping?

The only vacation where you work harder preparing meals and caring for your living space than you do in your house.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip together. After eating their dinner around the campfire they retire to the tent to go to sleep. A few hours later Sherlock wakes up.

“Watson, are you awake?” He asks.

“Yes sir. What is it?” Answers Watson.

“Look up and tell me what you see.” Asks Holmes.

“I see billions of stars,” says Watson.

“And what does that tell you Watson,” asks Holmes.

“Well,” says Dr Watson,” Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is quiet for a moment then says: “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”



What does it mean when you find a horseshoe at camp?

Some poor horse is going around barefoot.

[layback40]

A Dog named Sex
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?
It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't a man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."😀

[layback40]

Here are the top nine comments made by sports
commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"