How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage+ asks him, "can u help me wiv my hearing?"The Pope says "yes," +puts his hands on Billy's ears+ prays, removes his hands and says, "how is your hearing now?"Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next fucking Wednesday."

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A Robber walks into a bank and shouts " Freeze give me all your cash" A Brave customer pulls off the robbers mask and says.
"I've seen your face now" so the robber shot him....
"Anyone else seen my face?" He asked....
Silence for a moment...then someone pipes up....
"I think my wife over there got a glimpse"

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Things I've Learned From My Children

01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

[layback40]

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

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Chinese takeaway ... $24.52
Gas to go and pick it up .... $1.79
Getting home and realizing one of your containers is missing ..... Riceless

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I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.
Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

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Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”