How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

There's some thieving bastards where I live.

Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka.
I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.

[layback40]

FACE LIFT

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow- up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I
don't want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers: "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head.

Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. " It's the worst mistake I've ever made.

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts!!!

And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

[layback40]

Bungee Jumping In Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.

Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again Joe misses him, Al falls again and bounces back up.

This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd...

WHAT THE HECK IS A PI NATA?"

[layback40]

During a DUI crackdown, a police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy.

[layback40]

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night

And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back'

And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains

When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight.

When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned

And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust

And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust

And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought

And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught

When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise

When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand

Not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate

And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'

When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense

When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps your heart will tell you then, '. I should have made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt

Then join the swelling ranks who say, '. don't sell Australia out'

Author unknown

[layback40]

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?..

[layback40]

When is an elf not an elf?
When he's got his head up a fairies skirt, then he's a goblin!!