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  #8017  
Old 18-08-2018
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

In good company? Results of a competition to find dumb things in company correspondence.

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping.)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.-This one should have won first place.)

6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

9. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)


My seven-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.

Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"

"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."

But why?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you must click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
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  #8018  
Old 13-09-2018
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>
>
> * * Law of Mechanical Repair
>
>
>
> - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
>
> and you'll have to pee.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Gravity
>
>
>
> Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
>
> place in the universe.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Probability
>
>
>
> The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
>
> of your act.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Random Numbers
>
>
>
> - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always
>
> answers.
>
>
>
> ** Variation Law
>
>
>
> If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
>
> move faster than the one you are in now.
>
>
>
> ** Law of the Bath
>
>
>
> When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Close Encounters
>
>
>
> The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you
>
> are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
>
>
>
> ** Law of the Result
>
>
>
> When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
>
>
>
> ** Law of Biomechanics
>
>
>
> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>
>
>
> ** Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas

> At any event, the people whose
>
> seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who
>
> will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and
>
> who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The
>
> folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs
>
> or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle
>
> people also are very surly folk.
>
>
>
> ** The Coffee Law
>
>
>
> - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
>
> do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>
>
>
> ** Murphy's Law of Lockers
>
>
>
> - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
>
> lockers.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Physical Surfaces
>
>
>
> The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
>
> are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Logical Argument
>
>
>
> Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
>
>
>
> ** Law of Physical Appearance
>
>
>
> If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
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  #8019  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell
You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive , hang up. it doesn't matter which number
you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before thebeep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are
too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the
fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
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  #8020  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."

"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?"

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."

I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.

My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First, she got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
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  #8021  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."



A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets......'

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks.

The owner is curious but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."


"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
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  #8022  
Old 1 Week Ago
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...'

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again, Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

chicken
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