Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot."
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
The Ferrari Formula 1 team recently fired their entire pit crew.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some idle youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team, as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the young pit crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 4 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 slabs of beer, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower!!...
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a
car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never frickin listen, either.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
;
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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