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  #7957  
Old 09-02-2018
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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.



Cynical Philosopher...

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom; until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon. Iím worried about the 175 pounds Iíve gained since then.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a dressing gown before you start looking like a mental patient.

Money canít buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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  #7958  
Old 09-02-2018
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A man goes to confession.

Man: Father, I have sinned. When you hear what Iíve done, youíll throw me out of the church.
Priest: oh come now, Iím sure itís not that bad.
Man: Oh, it is father, youíll throw me out of the church.
Priest: tell me what youíve done, my son.
Man: itís terrible father. The other day my wife was bending over getting something out of the fridge. Her skirt had risen up and exposed part of her thigh. I got the urge, there was nothing I could do. I crept up behind her and had my way with her there and then. Iím sorry father and I can understand you throwing me out of the church.
Priest: my boy, you have done nothing wrong. She is your wife. What you have done is natural. Why on earth would you think that I would throw you out of the church?
Man: Well they threw me out of The supermarket.
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  #7959  
Old 20-02-2018
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Swansea Earthquake Appeal - please read

A major earthquake measuring 4.9 on the Richter scale hit South Wales @ 14:31, Sat Feb 17th 2018 with it's epicenter near Swansea.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering 'faaackinell'.

The earthquake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken before their gyro's arrived.

Local radio DJ, Andy Badger Miles from 'The Wave' and his giggling friend Emma, reported that hundreds of resident's were trying to come to terms that the fact that something interesting had happened in Swansea.

One resident, Tracy Lloyd, a 15-year old mother of 5 said, 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all because they had a skinfull the
night before. I was still shaking when i skinned up and watching Jeremy Kyle show on catch-up

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of lager and sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from the Poundshop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items needed most include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), adidias poppers,😂😂😂😂shell suits (female) White sports socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Tesco's or Asda.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2.50 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9.

£5.00 buys a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

£10.00 buys a wrap of crack to help those really disturbed.

***BREAKING NEWS***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop, 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked 'Townhill!' said the girl, 'wossit got to do wiv you mush?!'😂😂😂😂
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  #7960  
Old 21-02-2018
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DEFINITION OF STRESS

You pick up a hitchhiker...
A young, sexy, beautiful girl.
Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.

Now that's stressful.


But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!


You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.


On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home...

NOW THAT IS STRESS !!!!!!
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  #7961  
Old 23-02-2018
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whaddaya gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, mate," the bikie says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, buy a drink, drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, howís your day been?"



You Know Youíre Australian When:

You know the meaning of the word "girt".

You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".



When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wondered why? Because she smells like a new car.



Vegetarian - Aboriginal word for bad hunter

I don't mind coming to workÖ but that eight-hour wait to go home is a real pain."

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'A man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing.............. start with a very small country.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
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  #7962  
Old 01-03-2018
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Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband: Definitely not!

Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Husband: Of course, I do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.

Wife: You would? (with hurtful look on her face)

Husband: (makes audible groan)

Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Husband: Where else would we sleep?

Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

Husband:That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?

Husband: No, she's left-handed

Wife: ---silence---

Husband: Shit!!
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  #7963  
Old 01-03-2018
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  #7964  
Old 03-03-2018
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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes". "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing". This wabbit is westing!

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!

What do rabbits say before they eat? A: Lettuce pray.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

What airline do rabbits use? British Hare-ways!

What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny!

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend? A 14-carrot ring!

What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards? A receding hare line!

Did you hear about the rich rabbit? A: He was a millionhare!

What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? Bugs Bunny!

What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on roller-skates!

What's the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Rabbit Hood.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a huge rabbit in the front seat. "What are you doing with that rabbit?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the rabbit again in the front seat, with both wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that rabbit to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
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  #7965  
Old 05-03-2018
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A girl walking along a beach came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird".

The man thought nothing and fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital in pain. "Where the hell am I?"

Doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency."

ďWell, what happened to me?"
"We don't know"
The man, "Well, there was a girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to see if the girl was still there, and she was.

The person said, "Do you know what happened, "Well," the girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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