How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

FIFTY SHADES OF FRANKSTON

Even through he only had one tattoo I yearned for him
to fill the lonely hours between Dr Phil and Days of Our Lives.
As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out
of a Nike vest, his smile told me it was Dole day, and I knew
my velour track suit would be hanging off the lampshade
tonight. As I stood in the line at Centrelink thinking up reasons
why I can't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like
nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, sweat, and Lynx Africa.

I turned and there he was. Dwayne with his pants halfway
down his arse. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me
onto the wheelie bins behind Woolies. he had already tied his
staffy to a post in an alleyway so we would not be disturbed.
There was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added
to the mystery. I knew then that this was love and my life would
never be the same again. I made a promise to him there and then
that I would buy him a big screen plasma with the baby bonus.....

[bruggz351]

Awww, c'morn layback. Hows it end

[Abraxix]

^ Ahhhhhhhhh we don't needa know the end to that one :P~

hahahaha love the story on the previous page; the boy and the scout master.. THAT is worth a funny read

[layback40]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.




She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[layback40]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less..

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are so very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[layback40]

The Baptist Cowboy



A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[layback40]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
> >
> > Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.
> > Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks
> her senseless!
> >
> > He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
> >
> > Elton bursts into tears.
> >
> > "What's up?" asks Robbie.
> >
> > Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"