How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a car payment.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 70 kilos I've gained since then.

Maccas has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Maccas and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a dressing gown before you start looking like a mental patient

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

[layback40]

The History of the Middle Finger:
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!

[layback40]

Paddy applied for a job at the blacksmiths,the blacksmith asked "have you ever shoe'd a horse before?", paddy replies "no but i once told a donkey to f*ck off!"

[layback40]

Paddy and Mick find 3 bombs.
Paddy: Let's take them the police
Mick: What happens if one blows up on the way?
Paddy: We will tell them we only found 2

[layback40]

Old but still good

Actual news headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Scotch and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[layback40]

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a
Pro-stit-ute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[layback40]

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little-girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow

that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What did the grape say when it fell on the concrete? Nothing. It just gave a little wine.

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how I can make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all! If anything, you've only delayed my trip further."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"