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  #6497  
Old 18-01-2016
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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "$80 per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
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  #6498  
Old 18-01-2016
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, ... We took first and second place."
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  #6499  
Old 18-01-2016
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A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.

The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."

The gang leader defiantly said, "******** God."

Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."

The gang leader said, "******** God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I ********, I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single ********ing law the church has ever make."

The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"

The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."

"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed."

"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."

Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."
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  #6500  
Old 18-01-2016
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A man finds a bottle and opens it. A genie comes out.

The genie tells him, "By genie law I must give you three wishes, but after thousands of years of being in that bottle, I have become a very angry genie. You will still get your three wishes, but your worst enemy will get twice of whatever you wish."

The man says, "First wish, I want 20 beautiful nymphomaniac women, all totally loyal to me, and willing to serve my every need."

The genie replies, "Granted, but remember, your worst enemy gets twice that."

The man says, "Second wish, I want a house with sex themed rooms, stocked with the best sexual toys in the world."

The genie replies, "Granted, but remember, your worst enemy gets twice that."

The man then says, "Third wish, I want to lose one nut."
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  #6501  
Old 19-01-2016
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Holy cow!
I just sold a Koran signed by Mohammad himself on eBay for $10,000!
Tomorrow I'm going to ask my next door neighbour Mohammad to sign a few more.
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  #6502  
Old 19-01-2016
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A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..
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  #6503  
Old 19-01-2016
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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each
day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
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