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  #7785  
Old 24-07-2017
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From back in the days when you had to have a license to have a TV.

Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen 😏
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.
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  #7786  
Old 27-07-2017
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neties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"



<><><><><><><>



An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



<><><><><><><>



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you eel?"



Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."



"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"



"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".



<><><><><><><>



Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."







Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."







A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."



"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"



"Twelve thirty."







Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"



Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"



The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'you've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
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  #7787  
Old 27-07-2017
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INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on... take a guess!



Think about it...



(You're going to love this!)




And the moral is...



You can't kill two birds with one stone
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  #7788  
Old 28-07-2017
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Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we’ve never left one up there.

My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

“Pretend to be someone you’re aren’t and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?



Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen me dancing at a concert.

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Hold, Brothers, Hold … CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of your cup)

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Next time somebody complains about the younger generation, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

A bookshop is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
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  #7789  
Old 28-07-2017
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Paddy was planning to get Married and asked his Doctor how he could tell if his Bride is a Virgin..???
The Doctor said, “Well, you need Three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop.
A Can of Red Paint, a Can of Blue Paint… and a Shovel.
”Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc”..???
The Doctor replied, “Before the Wedding Night, you Paint one of your Testicles Red and the other Testicle Blue.
Then if she says, "That’s the strangest Pair of Balls I've ever seen", you hit her with the Shovel"..
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  #7790  
Old 28-07-2017
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It's been reported by the NHS that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20% now i have done the calculations and found out that im immortal 😉
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  #7791  
Old 28-07-2017
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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."
Then I said, "turn Left"
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  #7792  
Old 29-07-2017
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When I told the Girlfriend I had been screwing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Pity I didn't notice the grenade in her other hand!!..
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