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Old 05-08-2017
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A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
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  #7802  
Old 05-08-2017
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One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
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  #7803  
Old 06-08-2017
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So sad... 😢...Please put this as your status if you have dated, known, worked with or are related to, married to or divorced from someone who suffers from being a idiot. We all need to understand, being an idiot is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to an idiot right now. There is still no known cure for being a idiot, and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a piece of 2 by 4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't repost this because they dont know how to cut and paste!
😂
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  #7804  
Old 06-08-2017
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So I was on the Old Computer the other night when the Wife came up behind me and said, "What are you Looking At"..??
"Cheap Flights", I quickly answered.
She was overjoyed.
"I Love You" she shouted, gave me a big hug and proceeded to give me a cracking Blow Job.
Until then, I had no fucking idea the Wife was interested in Darts.
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  #7805  
Old 06-08-2017
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You laid on my naked body, applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you, you freaking mosquito!!😆
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  #7806  
Old 06-08-2017
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A man in Barnsley has piles and calls into his local shop for treatment.
"Excuse me, do you have any arse cream?"
"Aye lad. What does tha' want? Magnum or Cornetto?"
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  #7807  
Old 06-08-2017
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BBC News: An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert, a spokesman said "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling."
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  #7808  
Old 06-08-2017
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Is it true that George Lucas was taught to count by Bill Gates?

I mean, just look at the order of the Star Wars movies: 4, 5, 6, (wait a decade or 3), 1, 2, 3... 7, 3.5, 8...
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