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  #7817  
Old 18-08-2017
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> One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his
> Sweatshirt. Seconds after he
> stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I
> use on the washing
> machine?'
> 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
> He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !'
> And they say blondes are dumb...
> ______________________________ __________
> A couple is lying in bed. The man says,' I am going to make you the
> happiest woman in the
> world...'
> The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......
> ______________________________ ___________
> 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
> of the
> shower.'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
> the lawn like
> this?'
> 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
> ______________________________ ______
> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> A: A rumour
> ______________________________ ___________
> Dear Lord,
> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and
> Patience for his moods.
> Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
> AMEN
> ______________________________ __________
> Q: Why do little boys whine?
> A: They are practising to be men.
>
> ______________________________ ___________
> Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
> A: Trustworthy. .
>
> ______________________________ ___________
> Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
> calling your name?
> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
> ______________________________ __________
> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
> A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
>
> ______________________________ ___________
> Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
> ______________________________ ___________
>
> While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal
> husbands would be found in
> all corners of the world.........
> .....then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.
>
> ______________________________ ___________
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  #7818  
Old 18-08-2017
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I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

White boards are remarkable.
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  #7819  
Old 25-08-2017
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layback40  layback40 is offline
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No, I can’t get out of bed. The blankets have accepted me as one of their own, if I leave now I might lose their trust.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

There is no angry way to say bubbles.

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.



Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”

I’ve been reading the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.



Wouldn’t life be great if:

Stickers always peel off cleanly.

The toilet paper roll is never empty at the wrong time.

The battery is always full at the right time.

Video pop up ads did not exist.

The other sock never goes missing.

The weather reader is always right.

Someone always has a pen.



Ramblings of A Retired Mind

Am I getting to be that age?

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

Birds of a feather flock together and then poop on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  #7820  
Old 25-08-2017
JervyKal  JervyKal is offline
I just registered
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by layback40 View Post
Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Hahaha! This definitely made my day.
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  #7821  
Old 25-08-2017
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layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
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I'm sure there's a bouncy castle inside our local mosque, everytime I go past there's always a load of shoes outside.
__________________
98&01XJ VMs,06 KJCRD,I no longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
  #7822  
Old 25-08-2017
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
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What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.
The other's a tramp
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  #7823  
Old 28-08-2017
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Banshee  Banshee is offline
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SEX and GRAMMAR

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1,2,3.’ When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?” The old man responded, “Your partner must say ‘1,2,3,4, ‘ but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1,2,3!’ Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1,2,3 for?”
And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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  #7824  
Old 28-08-2017
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Damn spammers...


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