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  #7849  
Old 08-09-2017
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North Korea's leader needs to explain why his barber is still alive.
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  #7850  
Old 08-09-2017
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Dad, what's a transvestite? Don't ask me, ask your mother, he will know
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  #7851  
Old 08-09-2017
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My girlfriend and I had sex in my car last night - was pretty uncomfortable though.
Maybe we should have dropped her parents off first?
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  #7852  
Old 08-09-2017
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Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
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  #7853  
Old 08-09-2017
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I'm sick of women saying men can't multi task!
I can tell my wife how beautiful she looks
and keep a straight face at the same time!!..
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  #7854  
Old 08-09-2017
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Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A fish.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work.



Just one actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?



Lexophilia - "Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end...

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Last edited by layback40; 08-09-2017 at 08:15 PM.
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  #7855  
Old 08-09-2017
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How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away
------------------
How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for shit with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
1 Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE
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  #7856  
Old 08-09-2017
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Wife with PMT says to husband "Do you want anything to eat"?
Husband replies "What are the choices"?
Wife says "YES or FUCKING NO"!!!
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