How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

You should have seen how f@rkin fast they both ran off.

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What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.

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Caught my best friend in bed with my wife today... Finally I get to make fun of him for banging a fat chick...

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I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey! Don't you know how to use your ********ing mirrors?"

"Yes, of course I do!" she snapped

I replied, "Well, try using one to put some make-up on before you go out in public, you ugly ********!"...

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A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frusturated and embarassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.

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A woman watched a dog go into a butcher's shop.
"What is it today?" asked the butcher. "Pork?"
The dog shook its head.
"Beef?" suggested the butcher.
The dog shook its head.
"Lamb chops?" tried the butcher.
The dog wagged its tail excitedly.
The butcher wrapped up two lamb chops, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following day and the woman was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop.
She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
The woman was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your dinner, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"
"That's as maybe," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this week that he's forgotten his key!!..

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Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: "How does it work then?"
Paddy: "Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat".
Patent officer: "Stupid git! There wouldn't be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don't come back until you've perfected it".
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer: "OK, smart arse, enlighten me".
Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."
Patent officer: "F@rk off, that's exactly the same as before."
Paddy: "No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying '"where's the f@rking cheese!!..