How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

If you ever feel bad about yourself remember that George Bush was once informed that 4 Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded "how many is a Brazilian?"

If you ever feel sad remember Australia had a war with emus and lost.

If you ever think you've made a big mistake, just remember that in 1788 the Austrian army attacked itself and lost 10,000 men

Isn't it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one hand that just sits there like: "I don't know how to hold a pencil."

What if people with anxiety are just unaccustomed to the way the world works because this is the first incarnation of their soul on the earth? And confident people are at ease with the world because they have been incarnated multiple times and, in a sense, already know how the world works.

If poison goes past its used by date does it get more toxic or less toxic?

Q: What is a cat's favorite breakfast? A: Mice krispies
Q: What is a frog's favorite year? A: Leap Year
Q: What kind of dog has a bark but no bite? A: A Dogwood!
Q: What is a pirate's favorite fish? A: A swordfish!
Q: What is a horse's favorite sport? A: Stable tennis!
Q: Why do pandas like old movies? A: Because they are black and white.
Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater? A: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!
Q: What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex? A: A dino-sore!
Q: What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car? A: Squash!

[layback40]

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself.”

[layback40]

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[layback40]

One hot summer day, a

blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of

a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to

drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the

restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that

tree outside?¹

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer

said.

The blonde replied, 'No way.

She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade

tree.¹

The policeman said, 'No! You

don't understand. Your dog needs to be

bred.¹

'No way,' said the blonde.

'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry

'cause I fed her this morning.¹

The exasperated policeman said,

'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have

sex!¹

(You have to love

this)

The blonde looked at the cop and

said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police

dog...

[layback40]

My girlfriend texted me: "I've found out you've been f##king another woman,you cheating bastard! I've taken my things and I'm going back to my sisters house."! I texted back..okay, see you when u get here.

[layback40]

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sp##m, and the sp##m bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"sp##m bank," she says with her mouth full.

[layback40]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."