How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My neighbours listen to awesome music.
whether they like it or not.

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My girlfriend accused me of lying to get into her knickers.
She's wrong. I genuinely did run out of underpants!!..

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I phoned the paranoia helpline, but I hung up after 59 seconds. I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.

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I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the policewoman she looked bloody gorgeous...... Although things went tits up when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either!

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

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Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.

(You're going to hate me for this...)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ ALDI"

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Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies are in total shock at the length of his manhood. The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband. "The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure isn't my husband. "The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club."