How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I'm sure you all wanted to know this!

Antennae vs. antennas

Did you know there is a difference between Antennae and Antennas? I always thought one was correct and the other incorrect. It turns out that both are used. Antennae relates to bugs and Antennas refers to the multiple appendages on 4WD vehicles.

In the U.S. and Canada, the plural of the noun antenna is antennae when the word denotes the flexible sensory appendages on insects and other animals. But when the word refers to a metallic apparatus for sending or receiving electromagnetic signals, American and Canadian writers use antennas. British writers tend to use antennae for both purposes. Australian and New Zealand writers are split on the matter, using both plurals for the metallic devices.

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Friday Funnies

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”



At an art exhibition, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”



A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”



When my co-worker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”

“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”

After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.



Tips for film villains.

• I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.

• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.

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Some Collective Nouns:

A stagger of drunks

A tedium of accountants

A stitch of doctors

A whine of losers

A jerk of politicians

A conflagration of arsonists

A scoop of journalists

A conjunction of grammarians

A clutch of mechanics

A build-up of skyscrapers

A mountain of holes

A body of everybody

A quantity of numbers

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

After I-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

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The neighbours had been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dog barked, it shoots out a blast of citronella under the nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I'm standing on my back step "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOUR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.
So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbour is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.....and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do...

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Seen on the door of a repair shop: WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

What do you get from a pampered cow? …Spoiled milk.

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

In honour of British humourist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

You look white and shaken, like a dry martini.

I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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Be Professional..
No matter.

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi, Gujrati Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,
"Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

Gujju Driver: "It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me."

MORAL:

Be Gujarati!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what happens.

Be professional..!!

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At Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your Balls are under your pillow.."
MEN NEVER LISTEN