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  #19  
Old 09-02-2012
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John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]



John: ** ** Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: ** ** Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: ** ** You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: ** ** You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: ** ** You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: ** ** So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: ** ** What happened?

Bryan: ** ** Traded him in for a Kevin 07

John: ** ** Big mistake.

Bryan: ** ** Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: ** ** How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: ** ** Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: ** ** Anything else?

Bryan: ** ** Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: ** ** Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: ** ** Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: ** ** What was the problem?

Bryan: ** ** Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: ** ** Whatcha got now?

Bryan: ** ** It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: ** ** The hybrid?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: ** ** Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: ** ** The Fustercluck model.

John: ** ** The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: ** ** Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: ** ** So that's why you're here?

Bryan: ** ** That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: ** ** Join the queue brother.
**
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  #20  
Old 09-02-2012
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Richo  Richo is offline
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SENSITIVE MAN TEST:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C.. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
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Yeah no need to be rude yeti, I'm not a total novice
  #21  
Old 09-02-2012
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Italian Pregnancy



An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.



‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.



Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,

a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...



If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.



If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..



However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'



At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"You a gonna try again!"
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  #22  
Old 09-02-2012
Yom  Yom is offline
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Using that term "French friends" very lightly!!!

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"
You could have heard a pin drop.


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day.
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.


A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the English, U..S. , Canadian, Australian and French Navies.. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, Kiwi's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are proud to be a British, American, Canadian, Australian or a New Zealander pass this on! If not, delete it.
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  #23  
Old 10-02-2012
SteveT  SteveT is offline
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And who said I can "waffle" a bit...............Lol.......... Keep it going,.yeahhhh......
  #24  
Old 10-02-2012
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In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his
nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the
request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image and
might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'M IN IT TO WIN
IT".

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's
room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his
left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia .. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I'd like to
do the same."
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  #25  
Old 10-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunno View Post
If you want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, you could change to a Nissan Drive , a Toyota Driver & a Jeep Driver. Then stick it on other forums.
Actually. I am going to post it on the Patrol forum with the Aussie Jeep Driver,The Kiwi Nissan driver and the South African Toyota driver.

However stoking the fire with one hand on the penis and the other holding a VB.

I'm going out with the Patrol boys next weekend. If I get stuck I hope they don't run with the snatch strap.
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Jeeps don't get stuck. They just have a little rest and think then get going again.
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  #26  
Old 10-02-2012
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A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".
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  #27  
Old 10-02-2012
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Rastus mate,

that should be...holding a VB in one hand, a pie in the other and stoking the fire with his.....
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