How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

[layback40]

Families of the girls that fled to Syria have appealed for their return. In a press statement, they announced that since they left they've been in despair, losing out on 60 quid a week family tax credits and their Uncle Aziz hasn't had a shag in a week.

[layback40]

Teacher says to the class
"Tell me a word beginning with "A"
Billy says "Arse".
He gets told off and the teacher then asks for a word beginning with "B".
Jenny says "Bollocks".
Again she gets told off.
The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D".
Johnney calls out "Dwarf".
The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is.
Johnney replies "A short arsed c#nt with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!!

[layback40]

As I was lounging around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's a--- anymore.



..... If walking is good for your health, the postman should be immortal.

.... A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still massively obese.

.... A rabbit runs, hops and has sex all day, every day but only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.



Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.

3. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the top dog. Some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the toilet.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.



15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".



19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[layback40]

"I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.
What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table, everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .. quiet, serene.. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room
doctor; your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than our flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop and paying more taxes."

[layback40]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it!!.

[layback40]

A wife is a bit like an old television.
It used to look good, but now it's acting up and not doing what it used to do, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going...