How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8.

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One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[layback40]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me.
After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop.
He grabbed me by the collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket."
So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate."
"Then why the ******** did you run?" He asked.
"Because I thought you could do with the exercise you fat bastard." I replied..

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Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their shopping trolleys collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

[layback40]

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building!!..

[layback40]

Taking part in the Cabramatta Marathon next week, it's not an official race, I just stand in the center of town and shout 'Allah's a bastard and of we go!!..

[layback40]

Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted. "But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.
If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."