How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Asda to get some early Christmas stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm thinking, What's her problem?! I finish my shopping and go to the tills. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same woman. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologise for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad, after that and gave her my condolences. She said "Thank you...sorry, But I have a favour to ask. I know it's weird and I would understand completely if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mummy' to me?" Inside I'm thinking WTF?!?! But trying to be understanding, I went ahead and did it. She smiled, thanked me, and left.
Proper awkward! The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to £100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been about £40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my Mum's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your Mum said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my Mum. She said, "Well I saw you hug her and heard you call her Mummy!" f@rk!!...I flew out of the shop looking for this witch, ready to get her, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and as I started pulling her leg hard, it came off in my hands, so I grabbed her other leg and started pulling, just like I'm pulling your f@rking leg right now!! Hahaha...

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My Mum has told me that, at the age of 55, it was about time I had a place of my own.
I told her that, since she is 95, I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.

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A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, “Sir, do you own a dog?”

The man replies, “yes I do.”The cashier then asks, “do you have the dog with you?”The man replies, “no, I left it at home.”

The cashier then says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog.”

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
The same cashier asks, “Sir, do you own a cat?”

The man replies, “yes I do.”

The cashier then asks, “do you have your cat with you?”

And the man replies, “no, I left it at home.”

Then the cashier says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat.”

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag.

He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, “it feels warm, soft, and gooey.”

The man then says, “now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?”

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A man walks into a Welsh pub, and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from..? You sound English boyo"
"I'm from just across the Severn" replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn then..?"
"I'm a taxidermist"
"What on earth is one of those then..?"
"I mount animals"
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman.
"He's one of us..!"

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Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool… They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!’

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’

‘Lord-Almighty Bubba!’ said Billy-Bob, ‘the tater goes in the front!

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property.”

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “most days he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I never wanted a divorce. It’s my husband. He says he can’t communicate with me.”

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says.
"Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.