How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

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A Taxi Passenger Touched The Driver On The Shoulder To Ask Him a Question.
The Driver Screamed, Lost Control Of The Car, Nearly Hit a Bus, Went Up On The Footpath & Stopped Few Centimeters Far From a Shop Window.
4 a Second, Everything Went Quiet In The Cab. Then, The Driver Said:
"Look Buddy! Don't Ever Do That Again, u Scared Me.
The Passenger Apologized And Said: "I Didn't Realize That a Little Touch Would Scare You So Much...
Driver Replied: "Sorry, It's Not Really Your Fault. Today Is my 1st Day As a Cab Driver.
I've Been Driving a Van Carrying Dead Bodies For The Last 25 Years..

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Subject: 50 Spades Today!!!!


We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel. Here are their experiences:



Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.

But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
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Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings/BBQ
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Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
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Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
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John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
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Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
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Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
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Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
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Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
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Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.

“Okay,” I said, and put the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
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Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[layback40]

A young lady goes to see her gynecologist .he says what can I do for you today ? she says doctor im terribly worried ,I think im growing 2 more Vaginas ! he says ok lets have a look .get up on the bed and remove your dress and knickers ..the young lady hops up on the bed and the doctor says ok open your legs and I will examine you ..she spreads her legs and sure enough she has a Vagina plus one on either side ! the doctor is totally puzzled and says .just wait here for a minute I need to consult with the other Gynecologist .he calls the doctor in the next room and asks his opinion ? the other doctor says .well ive been practicing for 40 years and ive never come across anything like that before ,,look why don't you just Bandage up the 2 Vaginas that have grown ! so the doctor goes back to the young lady and starts to bandage her up when she asks ,will they heal over Doctor ? the doctor says im not sure but at least this will stop you from getting F##ked Left Right andCentre !!!..

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I was watching the news today when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!

[layback40]

Rocky had broken his leg and his buddy Bob comes over to see him.
Bob: How r u doing?
Rocky: Fine. Hey, do me a favor.
Go upstairs & get me my slippers.
My feet r freezing!
Bob goes upstairs & sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.
Bob: Ur brother sent me up 2 have sex with u girls.
Twins: Prove it!
Bob (Shouting): Hey Rocky, both of them?
Rocky (Shouting back): Of course!
What's the point of f##king one?

[layback40]

Penis size IS important ..................A man was deeply in love with his girlfriend Wendy so he decided to get her name tattooed on his penis. When he was flaccid, it read "Wy" and when he was erect, it read "Wendy". The man and his girlfriend Wendy decided to take a holiday to Jamaica. Their resort happened to be clothing optional and so wanting to fit it, the man went to the bar for a drink sans clothes. He noticed the bartender, who was nude, also happened to have "Wy" tattooed on his penis. Getting excited, he asked the bartender whether he also had a girlfriend named Wendy and if he had her name tattooed on his penis. The bartender looked up at the guy, smiling, and said no he didn't have a girlfriend named Wendy. The guy asked what his tattoo read then. The bartender, still smiling, replied, "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!!..