How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Paddy says to Mick, "I found this gold pen, is it yours?" Mick replies, "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is." Paddy asks, "How do you know?" Mick replies, "That's my handwriting!!..

[layback40]

I was driving my car drunk down a one-way street when a policeman stopped me. He said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' I said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the f@rkin Indians!!..

[layback40]

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

[layback40]

Someone asked an old man: ‘Even after 60 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?’

Old man: ‘I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her’.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,

“Take only one. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.

God is watching the apples.”



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Jeff]

Salesman rings the doorbell, and it's answered by a boy, about 9, wearing a slinky gown, long wavy wig, lots of makeup, high heels, with a martini in one hand and a cigarette in a holder in the other.

Salesman: "Uh.... is your mother home?"

Boy: "Does it ********ing LOOK like she's home?"

[Jeff]

Employee rings up his boss "sorry, can't come to work today, I'm sick"

boss replies "not good enough, how sick are you?"

employee "...well, I'm in bed with my sister"

[layback40]

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.
His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"