How tuff are Aussie blokes? - Page 982 - AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand

Go Back   AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand > GENERAL > Off Topic Chitchat
Register Forums Trading Your Jeep New Garage Mark All Read

Post New Thread  Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #6868  
Old 10-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (2)
  #6869  
Old 10-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.

So he takes the chief for a walk. He points to a tree and says "This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"

The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.
"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"

The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flusters and says, "Man riding bike"

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?

The chief looks at the priest and replies, "My bike."
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (4)
  #6870  
Old 10-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?”
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (2)
  #6871  
Old 10-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

I was on the computer last night when the misses walked in.. she said " what ya doing? ". I replied " looking at flights ".. she came over and gave me the best blow job.. I was really surprised.. I didn't think she loved darts so much....
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (2)
  #6872  
Old 11-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem.

I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck.
He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun.

Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road.”

The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back.

“Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.

“Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (2)
  #6873  
Old 12-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (1)
  #6874  
Old 12-10-2016
layback40's Avatar
layback40  layback40 is offline
Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,781
What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,579
Liked 6,550 Times in 4,342 Posts
Default

Hot Neighbor

She’s single, she lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . .

I rushed to open it. She looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I am so hot as Hell! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and do the 'Dirty' all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free . . . I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?”
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Likes: (1)
Post New Thread  Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On





All times are GMT +10. The time now is 03:26 PM.


Advertisements




AJOR does not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the contents of any message. The messages express the views of the author of the message, not necessarily the views of AJOR or any entity associated with AJOR, nor should any advice be substituted as technical advice replacing that of a mechanic. You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use AJOR to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, religious, political or otherwise violative of any law. You agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by AJOR. The owner, administrators and moderators of AJOR reserve the right to delete any message or members for any or no reason whatsoever. You remain solely responsible for the content of your messages, and you agree to indemnify and hold harmless AJOR, the administrators, moderators, and their agents with respect to any claim based upon transmission of your message(s). The use of profile signatures to intentionally mislead or misdirect any member on this forum is not acceptable and may result in your account being suspended. Any trip that is organised through the AJOR forum is participated at your own risk. If you or your vehicle is damaged it is your responsibility, not that of the person that posted the thread, message or topic initiating the trip, nor the organisers of AJOR or moderators of any specific forum. This forum and associated website is the property of AJOR. No user data is harvested and no information supplied in your registration will be sold for profit.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

AJOR © 2002 - 2024 AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM. All corporate trademarked names and logos are property of their respective owners. Ausjeepoffroad is in no way associated with DaimlerChrysler Corporation or Fiat Jeep.
www.ausjeep.com www.ausjeep.com.au www.midlifemate.com ausjeepforum.com www.r9kustoms.com
vB Ad Management by =RedTyger=