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  #6721  
Old 06-07-2016
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"98 XJ. RE 3.5 inch lift. Dana 44. 4.11's. 32's
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  #6722  
Old 09-07-2016
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Seen on the door of a repair shop: WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

What do you get from a pampered cow? …Spoiled milk.

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.



In honour of British humourist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

You look white and shaken, like a dry martini.



I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
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  #6723  
Old 18-07-2016
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Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill? He ran out of juice

What's the richest country in the world? Ireland, because its capital is always Dublin

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm

William Shakespeare went into a pub the barman took one look at him and said - 'You're bard'



First man: I'm going to see the doctor because I don't like the look of my wife

Second man: I'll come with you. I can't stand the sight of mine either

First man: How many people work in your office?

Second man: About half of them



What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

Apparently one in three people cheat. I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

There are 3 types of people in the world... Those who can count and those that can't.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic… But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic. It’s soda pressing

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day. Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it... That's just how I roll.

Wanna hear a good pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!?

What washes up on tiny beaches? Micro waves.

My friend placed a colour bomb in my chair...It blue me away.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree. He's wanted dead and alive. Reports are the police have him boxed in.



Things that are better left unsaid:

1)

2)

3)



A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

How do cows go from one town to another? They cowmute.
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  #6724  
Old 18-07-2016
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children -- all costs to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Jaffna in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!!
The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who
still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here'
PING ! -
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl,
and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?' Where is my BMW?
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to sweet F#%k all, just like the rest of us".
And she disappeared........
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  #6725  
Old 19-07-2016
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
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  #6726  
Old 19-07-2016
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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the vicars wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after church is finished for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being A friend, he agrees.
After mass, he STARTS talking to the vicar , asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar "My friend is sleeping with YOUR wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd BETTER hurry home now. My wife died a year ago!!..
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  #6727  
Old 19-07-2016
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I overtook this prick at fifty in a thirty zone and blasted him for holding me up. Then I hung a right without indicating while telling another driver to fuck off for being in my way. Managed to frighten a fucking cyclist to death by passing him within an inch at speed while ordering some coke on my mobile.

"Ok, Mr ginty, " said the salesman, "you've passed the test, we will sell you a BMW. "
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