How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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CHIHUAHUA

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.

As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go

over to that bar and get something to drink.

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses

and started to walk in.

He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?

They gave me a frickin' Chihuahua?"

[layback40]

A mother goes to town to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"10," replies the mother.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nah," says the mother. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the mother, "I just use their surnames."

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking.

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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.

He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.

[layback40]

Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds):

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

(wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

[layback40]

I failed my audition as ROMEO through a mis-understanding over a simple stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said : 'Enter JULIET from the rear.'
And I've now been thrown out of Actors Equity!!!

[layback40]

Due to Low profit margins Marks & Spencers are to merge with Poundstretcher. The new stores will be called StretchMarks!