How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Mummy," asks Susie, "why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her."
"Granny," ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited, "why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," says Susie's granny. "You'll have to ask her."
"Great Granny," asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home, "why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, for FUCKS sake" says Great Granny, "are they still using that fucking small pan?"

[layback40]

Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss. The Canadians know how to

handle complaints. Here is an example.





A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.



She received back the following reply:



National Defence Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada



Dear Concerned Citizen,



Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian

Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and

are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National

Correctional System facilities.



Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions

were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleased to learn,

thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new

department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called

'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.



In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have

decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in

homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under

those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and

is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence

in Toronto next Monday.



Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared

for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of

complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly

inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate

with your recommendations.





Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that

your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will

help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in

describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that

you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly

recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.





Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your

house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you

can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of

explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep

those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your

adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can

extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your

home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in

our country.



Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except

sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no

rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly

sensitive subject for him.



You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around

women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more

appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered

by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.



You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a

counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter

whileAhmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.



Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks

like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our

fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.



Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

[layback40]

What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

************************************************** *********************************
At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

************************************************** *********************************
At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

************************************************** *********************************
At 28

You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

************************************************** *********************************
At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

************************************************** *********************************
At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

************************************************** *********************************
At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

************************************************** *********************************
At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

************************************************** *********************************
At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

[layback40]

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.
All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?
"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.
"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man
"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"
The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!..

[layback40]

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it. Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one, I winked. you've got me, she giggled, do you fancy coming back to mine and watching? no thanks, I replied, I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches...

[layback40]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[layback40]

A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.