How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his penis, so he goes to see his GP.

'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining

him. 'You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?'

'Yes,' the man replies shakily.

'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

[layback40]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

[layback40]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,



'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'



To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,



'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[layback40]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom


using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

[layback40]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her
mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in
a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she
was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She
decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of
the last shop. She
was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has
been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
went ahead and
finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip
you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require
round-the-clock care. And he will now be in your care!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[layback40]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.


Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

[layback40]

naughty questions and answers















THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: M elt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A : Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Utimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.


'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.