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  #8023  
Old 09-11-2018
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I MIGHT WAKE UP EARLY

AND GO RUNNING, I ALSO MIGHT

WAKE UP AND WIN THE LOTTERY…

THE ODD`S ARE ABOUT THE SAME.





I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.

cid:165d42ff75d4cff311

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".

cid:165d42ff75d5b16b22

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?

cid:165d42ff761692e333



I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

cid:165d42ff7637745b44

Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

cid:165d42ff763855d355

I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."

When you're over seventy five.............who cares?



***********

I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

cid:165d42ff7639374b66

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy five..............who cares?



**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

cid:165d42ff764a18c377

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

cid:165d42ff764afa3b88

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?





I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.

cid:165d42ff764bdbb399

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?



I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

cid:165d42ff7641f3c04fa

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

cid:165d42ff764201d7d0b

When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
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  #8024  
Old 09-11-2018
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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So, God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years"
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front verandah and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.


At Melbourne'sTullamarine Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At the press conference the Attorney-General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” the Attorney-General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked, a commentator said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes".

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that rotten cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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  #8025  
Old 26-11-2018
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>
>
> A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
> Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
> the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
> impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
> where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
> when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
> while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
> door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
> to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
> nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
> he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
> dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
> bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
> stall," she explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
> nail for?"

> The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
> shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
>
> (It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
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  #8026  
Old 30-12-2018
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Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states:
"Scientists and Engineers can never earn
as much as administrators and sales people."

This theorem can now be proved mathematically:

Given:

Power = Work / Time and,
Knowledge is Power

Substituting knowledge for power, we obtain: Knowledge = Work/ Time

If time = money, then: Knowledge = Work/ Money

Solving this equation for money, we obtain:

Money = Work/ Knowledge

Therefore, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: the less you know, the more you make.
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  #8027  
Old 06-01-2019
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I stopped by the Holden Colorado dealership yesterday, for a look at the current 2018 pickup thinking that I might be interested in one of these at the End Of Year run out sales.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a "ME TOO" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its' "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your backside in the winter and directed cool air to it in the summer heat.
I mentioned that this must be a COALITION truck.
Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought that.
"I explained that if it were a GREENS or a LABOR truck, the seats would just blow Hot Air up your arse all year-round!"
I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it...
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  #8028  
Old 29-01-2019
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  #8029  
Old 29-01-2019
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Climate debate: 97pc of scientists agree on nothing
IAN PLIMER
12:00AM JANUARY 17, 2019
It is often claimed that 97 per cent of scientists conclude that humans are causing global warming. Is that really true? No. It is a zombie statistic.
In the scientific circles I mix in, there is an overwhelming scepticism about humaninduced climate change. Many of my colleagues claim that the mantra of humaninduced global warming is the biggest scientific fraud of all time and future generations will pay dearly.
If 97 per cent of scientists agree that there is human-induced climate change, you’d think they would be busting a gut to vanquish climate sceptics in public debates. Instead, many scientists and activists are expressing confected outrage at the possibility of public debates because the science is settled. After all, 97 per cent of scientists agree that human emissions drive global warming and there is no need for further discussion.
In my 50-year scientific career, I have never seen a hypothesis where 97 per cent of scientists agree. At any scientific conference there are collections of argumentative sods who don’t agree about anything, argue about data, how data was collected and the conclusions derived from data. Scepticism underpins all science, science is underpinned by repeatable validated evidence and scientific conclusions are not based on a show of hands, consensus, politics or feelings. Scientists, just like lawyers, bankers, unionists, politicians and those in all other fields, can make no claim to being honest or honourable, and various warring cliques of scientists have their leaders, followers, outsiders and enemies. Scientists differ from many in the community because they are allegedly trained to be independent. Unless, of course, whacking big research grants for climate “science” are waved in front of them.
The 97 per cent figure derives from a survey sent to 10,257 people with a self-interest in human-induced global warming who published “science” supported by taxpayer-funded research grants. Replies from 3146 respondents were whittled down to 77 selfappointed climate “scientists” of whom 75 were judged to agree that human-induced warming was taking place. The 97 per cent figure derives from a tribe with only 75 members. What were the criteria for rejecting 3069 respondents? There was no mention that 75 out of 3146 is 2.38 per cent. We did not hear that 2.38 per cent of climate scientists with a self-interest agreed that humans have played a significant role in changing climate and that they are recipients of some of the billions spent annually on climate research.
Another recent paper on the scientific consensus of human-induced climate change was a howler. Such papers can be published only in the sociology or environmental literature.
The paper claimed that published scientific papers showed there was a 97.1 per cent consensus that man had caused at least half of the 0.7C global warming since 1950.
How was this 97.1 per cent figure determined? By “inspection” of 11,944 published papers. Inspection is not rigorous scholarship. There was no critical reading and understanding derived from reading 11,944 papers. This was not possible as the study started in March 2012 and was published in mid-2013, hence only a cursory inspection was possible. What was inspected? By whom?
The methodology section of the publication gives the game away. “This letter was conceived as a ‘citizen science’ project by volunteers contributing to the Skeptical Science website (www.skepticalscience.com). In March 2012, we searched the Institute for Scientific Information Web of Science for papers published from 1991-2011 using topic searches for ‘global warming’ or ‘global climate change’.”
This translates as: This study was a biased compilation of opinions from non-scientific, politically motivated volunteer activists who used a search engine for key words in 11,944 scientific papers, were unable to understand the scientific context of the use of “global warming” and “global climate change”, who rebadged themselves as “citizen scientists” to hide their activism and ignorance, who did not read the complete papers and were unable to evaluate critically the diversity of science published therein.
The conclusions were predictable because the methodology was not dispassionate and involved decisions by those who were not independent.
As part of a scathing critical analysis of this paper by real scientists, the original 11,944 papers were read and the readers came to a diametrically opposite conclusion. Of the 11,944 papers, only 41 explicitly stated that humans caused most of the warming since 1950 (0.3 per cent). Of the 11,944 climate “science” papers, 99.7 per cent did not say that carbon dioxide caused most of the global warming since 1950. It was less than 1 per cent and not one paper endorsed a man-made global warming catastrophe.
Political policy and environmental activism rely on this fraudulent 97 per cent consensus paid for by the taxpayer to rob the taxpayer further with subsidies for birdand-bat-chomping wind turbines, polluting solar panels and handouts to those with sticky fingers in the international climate industry. It’s this alleged 97 per cent consensus that has changed our electricity from cheap and reliable to expensive and unreliable.
Activists with no skin in the game are setting the scene for economic suicide.
Time for yellow shirts to shirt-front politicians about their uncritical acceptance of a fraud that has already cost the community hundreds of billions of dollars.
Emeritus professor Ian Plimer’s latest book, The Climate Change Delusion and the Great Electricity Ripoff, is published by Connor Court.
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