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  #6784  
Old 14-09-2016
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A husband and wife were having a conversation about the wife getting heavier by the day.

Wife: Honey my stomach is getting bigger I think I’m pregnant!

Husband: Ya, and I know who's the daddy!

Wife : Who ?

Husband : McDonalds!
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  #6785  
Old 16-09-2016
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Old yachtsmen don't die... They just keel over.

3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

Bad at golf? Join the club.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

If I decide to get a tattoo when I'm 81 it'll probably be of my name and address.

I took 100 raisins back to a popular supermarket and they gave me 50 sultanas... can't believe the currant exchange rate.

Why did the spider get a job in I.T.? He was a great web designer!

My wife - it's difficult to say what she does - she sells sea shells on the sea shore.

I used to own a goldfish that could break-dance on the carpet. Only for about 20

seconds though.

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."

My brain is like the Bermuda triangle. Information goes in and then is never found again.

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead... As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"



Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is tomato sauce a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery

Wife: Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today? Husband: First make it, we will name it later.



I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"



In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
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  #6786  
Old 20-09-2016
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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  #6787  
Old 20-09-2016
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The kids across the road have challenged me to a water fight!!!

I am just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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  #6788  
Old 20-09-2016
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BELLIGERENT BEAR
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."
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  #6789  
Old 20-09-2016
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A very large blonde woman and a very large brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop....

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"

The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"..
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  #6790  
Old 20-09-2016
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm frickin’ driving.
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