How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[layback40]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

[layback40]

Here's a little play on words for you to ponder....

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given away free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs.

What happened to the man who didn't know the difference between putty and toothpaste? All his windows fell out!

[layback40]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a fucking liar'😂

[layback40]

Paddy and Mick are going home from a night out and realise that they don't have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stood guard. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate where he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
"What the hell are you doing?" Hissed Paddy.
Mick replied, "I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy."
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
"You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the feckin way."😂

[layback40]

When someone calls on your phone you don't know answer it and say, "Westwood ********** bank, you squeeze it we freeze it!"

[layback40]

My beautiful wife sent me a selfie pic...asking was she fat?
My fucking auto correct on my phone changed noooooooooo....
to mooooooooo...I am fucking dead!!!