How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Alternative answers…

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A. his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? A. liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? A. marriage

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch or dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? A. The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. Wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A. No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.



A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change and then goes back and says to the cashier "Hey you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir you stepped away from the counter" said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well ok" answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."



A Pommy bloke fronts up to Australia House in London to get a visa to visit family in Australia.

Bloke behind the counter asks "do you have a criminal record?

Pommy bloke sighs and asks," Is that STILL a requirement......? "

[layback40]

The solution isn't the end,
It's the beginning of the experience.

While in China, a New York businessman is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything
like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,
you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very
little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me
up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your
only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very
ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My
American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to
opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[layback40]

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

[layback40]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[layback40]

So sad... 😢...Please put this as your status if you have dated, known, worked with or are related to, married to or divorced from someone who suffers from being a idiot. We all need to understand, being an idiot is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to an idiot right now. There is still no known cure for being a idiot, and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a piece of 2 by 4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't repost this because they dont know how to cut and paste!
😂

[layback40]

So I was on the Old Computer the other night when the Wife came up behind me and said, "What are you Looking At"..??
"Cheap Flights", I quickly answered.
She was overjoyed.
"I Love You" she shouted, gave me a big hug and proceeded to give me a cracking Blow Job.
Until then, I had no fucking idea the Wife was interested in Darts.

[layback40]

You laid on my naked body, applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you, you freaking mosquito!!😆