How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Some bloke just rattled a tin at me in the street so I told him to ******** off. I didn't realise he had Parkinson's and was asking me to help him get the lid off of his Pringles!!..

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I saw two blond girls the other day the one said 'I locked my keys in car' other said 'we best hurry up it looks as if its about to rain and the roofs down!!.

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I was with my best mate today when I saw my wife walk in.
Quick as flash I hid under a table, hoping that she wouldn't see me.
"Don't let her see me," I whispered to my mate.
"Are you kidding me?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "Distract her for me, will ya?"
Everyone began to stare.
"Distract her?" he shouted, looking at the congregation. " it's your f@rking wedding!!.

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FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT: An email was recently sent out asking women to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix this, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings > Enable Webcam > Record Movie and send to me as soon as poss.

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The missus was putting sun cream on. Do you mind doing my back? she asked. Let's pretend I'm your butler I winked. My name's Dawes. Ok she giggled, Would you mind doing my back, Dawes? And that was all the invitation I needed!!..

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A mouse looked through the crack in the wall
to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
“What food might this contain?” the mouse
wondered. He was devastated to discover it
was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse
proclaimed the warning: “There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap
in the house!”
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her
head and said “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a
grave concern to you, but it is of no
consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by
it.”
The mouse turned to the pig and told him
“There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!” The pig
sympathized, but said “I am so very sorry, Mr.
Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it
but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”
The mouse turned to the cow and said “There
is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!” The cow said “Wow,
Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off
my nose.”
So, the mouse returned to the house, head
down and dejected, to face the farmer’s
mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout
the house – like the sound of a mousetrap
catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to
see what was caught. In the darkness, she did
not see it was a venomous snake whose tail
the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the
hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh
chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to
the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.
But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends
and neighbors came to sit with her around the
clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the
pig. The farmer’s wife did not get well; she
died. So many! people came for her funeral,
the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide
enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in
the wall with great sadness. So, the next time
you hear someone is facing a problem and
think it doesn’t concern you, remember: when
one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We
are all involved in this journey called life....

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THE PERKS OF BEING OLD................................
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
1 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20) You can't remember where you saw this list!!..