How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night & swore they tasted like his wife's fanny. He thought it was his imagination, but everyone in the pub said he was right...

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My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!
The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...
"Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Good Lord man, how do you know all that" asked one.
The Aborigine replied:... ‘I fell out of the ********en thing about half an hour ago!"

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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a chee...se sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?
I'm bloody starving!!.

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A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night.

While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed.

When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes peg on his nose and a condom.

"Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.

"Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

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Dulux have just brought out a new shade of emulsion called deep blonde
Its not very bright but spreads really easily

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Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.

They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.

Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.

Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!"