How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

Originally Posted by rastus2571

This only happens to me when I got my beer goggles on. They just won't stay still. I gotta close one eye to focus.

HAHAHA... and lean right in......

[layback40]

Like most people I want a big house, a nice car and plenty of money.

Well I've finally decided it's not going to happen while I sit on my arse and do nothing,

so tomorrow I'm going to leave Australia and re-enter it illegally.

[layback40]

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[layback40]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slow down in the overall performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

********************************************

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to
enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech! Support

[layback40]

My wife found my girlfriend's knickers under the bed.

She yelled, "Who the ******** do these belong to?"

"They must be yours, honey," I squirmed. "If you don't believe me, try them on."

That gave me at least thirty minutes to get the ******** out of there.

[layback40]

There was a farmer who had a horse for over 10 years. Since the farmer got the horse he had been trying to get the horse to laugh. He had no such luck.
He put up a sign that read:
$25,000 reward to anyone who can make my horse laugh.
Crowds and crowds of people rushed in. Day after day, month after month, people came and went. No one could get the horse to laugh.
After a long time, the farmer had given up hope, when one day a young man strolled in casually and asked to have a shot. The farmer apathetically let him try.
The man walked up to the horse, whispered in the horses ear. The horse started cracking up laughing his ass off.
Shocked, the farmer rushed over and asked him what he had done. The young man simply asked for the reward and left.
Weeks had gone by and the horse had still been laughing. In fact, the horse did not stop laughing since that day and the farmer was getting very irritated.
He offered another $25,000 reward to anyone who could get the horse to stop laughing. Again people showed up to no avail.
Again, after the crowds had come and gone, the young man strolled by and walked into the barn.
After about 10 seconds, the horse suddenly stopped laughing.
In amazement, the farmer gave him the reward but begged the young man, "Sir, what did you do?
How did you get the horse to laugh and then stop? Please tell me."
The young man's reply, "I got the horse to laugh by telling him that my dick was bigger than his."
"And to make him stop laughing?"
"I showed him.

[layback40]

Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?