How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A lad goes for a job in a general store, The boss says let me show u how its done. A customer comes in and asked for a packet of grass seed, the shop keeper says "Sir, when the grass grows u will need some shears, and after that u will need a lawn mower!" The customer says "Thank u very much I never thought of that." The customer leaves having spent £200 and the boss turns to the lad, and says "That is how it is done." The next customer is yours, a man walks in and says to The boy "I
would like a packet of tampax please!" The boy replies "Would u like a lawn mower as well sir?" The man says "Why would I want a lawn mower?" The Boy says "Well your weekend's ********ed, you might as well cut the grass!!..

[layback40]

Paddy took his chainsaw back to B&Q and says to the bloke in dungarees "You told me this chainsaw would cut down one hundred trees in a day, well today it only cut down fifty" So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes 'brrrrrrrrrrrrr'. and Paddy says "Whats that ********in noise?

[layback40]

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won’t have time to worry.

[layback40]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, "Hopefully something a bit bigger than last year."
"Oh that's easy then" I replied, "I'll get you knickers again 'cause your arse is double the size!!..

[layback40]

I walked up to a girl in a bar last night and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."
She said,"My boyfriend is right behind you."
"Good," I replied."I'm glad I've got his support!!..

[layback40]

My new girlfriend snatched the TV remote from my hands, changed channel and squealed, "Brilliant! It's The X-Factor. I can't wait to find out who's leaving."
"I'll save you the suspense", I replied, picking up her handbag and tossing it into the street.
"You are."

[layback40]

This is how bad immigration is getting.
I walked into my local corner shop wondering if I could pay by my card and all I said was,"Visa?"
The ********ing ******** ran off!