How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I don't care if vodka has gone up to £25 a bottle I'm still gonna party like its £19.99.

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Have you ever gone up stairs and when you've got there forgot the reason why?
I did, so I went back down stairs again......
and shit myself!!..

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I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour piped up, "You can clean mine next!"
"Ha ha!" I laughed.
Jesus, it's bad enough I have to shag his wife for him.

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Woke up this morning there was a letter on the doormat saying: DO NOT BEND. I thought how do I pick it up then?

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The missus has sold most of her expensive perfumes on E-bay, so now she has more money than scents.

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Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Susan..?”
“Yeah. What’s it called, Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What does that mean said Susan..?”
At this stage the assistant offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me’.”
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to susan again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?..

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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."

The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"