How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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One friend asks another, "When are you getting married to your girlfriend?"
He replies, "I would have already if it weren't for her family."
His friend asks, "Her family?"
He replies, "Her husband and three kids."

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I was walking down the street earlier when this guy approached me "Oi, are you the Muppet that was chatting my bird Julie up in the pub last Friday?" he snarled.
"I'm not sure mate what does she look like?" I asked
"That's her" he said handing me a photo.
"It wasn't me mate," I replied "I only had five pints last Friday."

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A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.

Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby.

If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.

Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours.

She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.

She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

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A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he thinks.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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A man was developing orange color crust with strange smell on his penis.

He went to Doctor. All tests came out negative. Doctor was surprised at hard crust on his penis with bad smell and potential new venereal disease.

So he asked, "Are you sexually active?"

The guys said, "I go to women and they get scared off."

"So how do you spend your evenings?", asked the doctor.

Guy said, "I am frustrated so most nights I just rent a porno flick and sit there with my bag of Cheetos."

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Whenever I'm having a bad day, I remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body.

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A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"