How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[layback40]

I went on holiday last week.
As I laid on the beach, being massaged by a beautiful woman, I looked at my wife and said, "This is the life, isn't it?"
She just completely ignored me.
"Isn't it?" i asked again.
She continued to ignore me.
"Oh get lost then," I said,
"I don't know why i even bothered to skype you.

[layback40]

I've just joined a site after seeing a pop up saying 'Meet Lots Of Women In Your Area For Sex Tonight'
The next stage of the application said 'Please Choose: 18-25, 26-33, 34-42, 43-49, Over 50'
I've gone for 43-49 women, over 50 is just being greedy..

[layback40]

A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'..

[layback40]

Returning home from work, a young blonde woman was shocked to find that her house had been ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash.

The blonde woman ran out on the porch and shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog.

Then she sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned, "I came home to find all my possessions stolen. I called the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!

[layback40]

Not so long ago when there were still white farmers in Africa, a local villager turns up at the farmhouse very angry demanding to see the farmer.
"Bossman, you been shagging my No. 3 wife!"
"What? I don't know who you are I and I certainly have not been shagging your wife, nor any other woman other than my beloved Samantha!"
"You has! You has! She just give birth to a pure white baby! White skin all over! You has!" He is furious and very upset.
The farmer believes the villager and has a think. There are no other white men for hundreds of mile. Then the reason occurs to him.
"What colour are the baby's eyes? Are they blue like mine?"
"No bossman, they is pink"
This is the shaggy-dog bit where the farmer then goes into an explanation about genetics and the reason for albino offspring. When he finishes he asks the puzzled native if he understands. The villager is still furious and inconsolable.
"OK - look over to that big field on the hillside and tell me what you see."
The native peers and says, "That's your field full of sheeps"
"How many black sheep can you see?"
The villager says nothing so the farmer goes into another (shaggy-dog) explanation about genetic sports and why there are numerous black sheep in amongst the hundreds of white ones.
When he has finished, the villager says, "OK bossman. You stops shagging my wives, I stops shagging your sheeps"

[layback40]

RULES THAT WOMEN SHOULD FOLLOW....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your ass in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9.Dogs are better than ANY cats.

10.Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.

16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.