Jokes

[Johnno]

An 18 year old comes home & tells her mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Being very worried, mum goes down to the chemist to buy her a pregnancy test, which shows the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing & crying, the mother says, "Who is the pig that did to you? I want to know!!"

The girl gets on her mobile & makes a phone call. Half an hour later a ferrari pulls up in the driveway. A distinguised man with grey hair in an impeccable Armani suit gets out and walks up to the front door. He comes into the living room & sits with the father, mother & the girl.

He says to them, "Good morning to you both. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. Now, I can't marry her because of my own personal family situation, but I will take charge."

"I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath to her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy to him will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. Should there be twins, they will each get a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who has remained silent the entire time, places his hand firmly on the guys leg and tells him, "You shag her again."

[hillsjeep]

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

[micq]

Whats the definition of confusion ?



2 blind lesbians in a fish shop

[OIIIO]

Originally Posted by micq

Whats the definition of confusion ?



2 blind lesbians in a fish shop

mmmbbbwwwwaahhhaaahhhhahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Barefoot]

I went to the cemetery yesterday, and there was six pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself....



















These pricks have lost the plot.

/runs again..

[ZMattJ]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:
**
King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey passing **by.


They have a competition to see who is the fastest to climb & get the banana.

Who do you guess will win?
**
Trust me your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30 seconds
**
Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.

















If your answer is any of these ....
**

Orangutan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid
**

Why?????


Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas..... ....!!

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax!!!

[hemijeepy]

oh crap im stupid.........