Jokes

[kimamigo]

Diary of a Brisbane Summer (by a Pom)

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now
this is a city that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched
the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.


September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.


September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.


October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather
upholstery.

I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and
cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive over and
tell me he needed to order parts.


October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000
house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


November 4th:

It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this
stupid place.


November 8th:

If another wise ar*e cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator
was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked
cat!!


November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my a*se was on fire. I lost 2
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my a*se. Now
my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and baked cat.


November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it
might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn
place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just
might dry up andblow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in
this heat.


November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the
air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house
payment to bail my a*se out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody
Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?


December 1st:

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding

[Barefoot]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 30 pounds!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'





'No, from all dat bloody 'skippin' ' the Irishman said .

[BLU-125]

A woman was lying in bed waiting for her husband to get home. Suddenly he appears with a plump sheep under his arm.

“This is the fat pig I have to satisfy myself with when YOU say you’ve got a headache”, he said.

“I think you’ll find that that is a sheep…….not a pig”, the wife says.

“I think YOU’LL find that I’m talking to the sheep”……….

[Nobody]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
oops, that's not funny!

[Nobody]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[Nobody]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[wendaloo]

Little Susie came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.

'Frank Brown showed me his willy today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Susie went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Susie's Mum asked, 'Really small was it?'

Susie replied, 'No...salty!'