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  #6539  
Old 02-02-2016
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flies let out a huge loud fart and the other one looked at him and said, "Do you mind...I am eating lunch"
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  #6540  
Old 08-02-2016
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Teenage girl at the doctors explains that she's getting engaged and needs some answers.
She says I've had a little peek but what do they call that thing hanging between his legs?
That'll be his penis or knob as it's known.
And what about the purple bit at the end she says?
That's known as the bell end says the doctor.
So what do they call those two spherical things about 18 inches back from the bell end called she says?
For your sake says the doctor, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse.
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  #6541  
Old 08-02-2016
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My misses asked me if I could show her a good time?
So i showed her some photos of me and my mates before I got married.
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  #6542  
Old 09-02-2016
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I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was thesame with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his ********ing pram...
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Old 09-02-2016
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Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, chips and everything in it..
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Old 09-02-2016
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Got a letter today off my pen friend in Africa, I'm so proud of him' he says he hasn't had a drink for a week.
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Old 09-02-2016
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Facebook piss offs:
1) Men pouting in photos, girls look ridiculous enough, but lads....********ing stop it.
2) Girls with Ming from Flash Gordon eyebrows. Eyebrows are meant to deflect water from your eyes, they are NOT supposed to have corners....
3) People who write billy big bollocks statuses like...."to the man in the shop who just stood on my toe, it's a good job u had ur kids with u or I'd have knocked u out!" Or "to the woman in the green corsa who cut me up earlier then smiled at me at the lights, it's a good job the lights changed cos I was gonna get out and kick u square in the minge!".... Firstly they won't see that status because you don’t know them, secondly, why are you making out like you’d show any aggression towards them? You clearly said absolutely nothing to them, then ran home to write a status about what you would have done if you had some bollocks....
4) 30+ year old men describing good things as "sick"... Grow up...
5) Young people using Americanisms, like.. "We got a cab home and made out.." No mate, you fingered her in a taxi....
6) "New hair" posts...it’s not ********ing new hair, it's your same old hair just shorter and laced with chemicals to make it the same colour as whichever pretty celeb you’re trying to copy... And by the way, she looks nice with red hair...you look like a tool.
7) Overnight nutritionists...I'm glad you recently discovered health and fitness 4 months ago, but knowing that chicken and rice is good clean food, doesn't mean you should post pics of your 8 prepped meals online every morning and preach how we should all be eating just that. Some of us like pizza thanks! ******** off!!
People who post updates like "what time does the co-op open?" You clearly have internet access... Google it you ********ing cabbage!!!
9) THIS!!!! Status: "completely devastated"
What's up babe?
U ok Hun?
What's happened?
"I've inboxed you...."
You nob....that’s all.
10) Pics of girls legs in the bath, just short of their tuppence...just pack it in, you attention seeking whore. The post isn't about… "peace at last"... It's about, "I'm naked and gagging for cock, inbox me"..
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