How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Grannies are cool
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!!..

[layback40]

This bloke is wanting to breed sheep but the
only male one he has is gay, as sheep are so
rare in his area he decides to try and
impregnate them himself by taking them to
the woods and shagging them all one by one.
A local farmer explains to him that he will
know his sheep are pregnant once they stop
walking around and lay down.
The next day the bloke bundles the sheep back
into the Land rover and again takes them to
the forest and shags them all again, this time
he's knackered and as soon as he gets home
he falls straight into bed. When he wakes up
the next day he dives straight for the window
to see if the sheep are lying down....to his
dismay they aren't so again he puts the sheep
in the car and heads off to the forest. This time
he shags them all twice for good luck.
When he gets home he is once again
knackered so goes straight to bed, in the
morning he asks his wife to look out the
window and see what the sheep are doing,
"That's amazing!" she says.
"What are they all laying down?" he asks.
"No they're all in the Landrover and one of
them is beeping the horn!!..

[layback40]

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language".

[layback40]

"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.
My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.
"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your f@rking ute!"

[layback40]

A man walks into an empty bar and hears a voice say 'You're looking smart today sir, what a lovely tie you've got on' ... confused, he asks the barman where the voice is coming from. 'Ah sir' he replies 'That'll be the complimentary peanuts!!..

[layback40]

My wife's been missing a week now, Police said to prepare for the worst.
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So went back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!!

[layback40]

Vegetarians are like Jehova Witnesses. They both always try and ram what they believe in down your throat.