How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Banshee]

Originally Posted by layback40

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.

[layback40]

WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old WALNUT tree just inside the cemetery fence.


One day, two boys, Jerry and Stuey filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.


"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said Jerry.


Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy, Max, came riding along the road on his bicycle.


As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.


He slowed down to investigate.


Sure enough, Max heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."


He just knew what it was.


He jumped back on his bike and rode off.


Just around the bend he met old man Bill Collins, with a cane, hobbling along.


"Come here quick," said Max almost out of breath, "....you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"


Old Bill said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"


When Max insisted though, Bill hobbled slowly to the cemetery.


Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me."


The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.


Old Bill and Max gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.. That’s all...now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."


They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him ..

[layback40]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

[layback40]

A burglar breaks into the house at night, a minute later a voice says, Jesus is watching you, the burglar turns around, see's nobody and goes back to what he was doing, 5 minutes later, a voice says, Jesus is watching you, the burglar turns around and see's a bird cage with a parrot in it.

He goes up to the cage, looks at the parrot and says, Did you say some-thing? The parrot looks at him and says, Jesus is watching you. The burglar takes this in and says, What's your name? The parrot looks at him and says, Moses.

The burglar thinks and says to the parrot, What kind of idiot, calls a parrot Moses? The parrot looks at him and says,
Probably the same idiot who calls a Rottweiler, Jesus.

[layback40]

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Equations are the devil’s sentences.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

[layback40]

Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your front gardens please can you avoid anything red or blue & flashing?

Every time I drive past, I think it's the police & have a mild panic attack.

I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Kraken Rum, swallow my joint, & shove the gun under the seat.
It's a major drama.
I really appreciate your cooperation & understanding.

[layback40]

Planet Earth.

Earth isn't round, it's almost a sphere. Centrifugal force pushes outwards at Earth's equator giving it a slight waistline.
If you could separate the Earth out into piles of material, you’d get 32.1 % iron, 30.1% oxygen, 15.1% silicon, and 13.9% magnesium.
When astronauts first went into the space, they looked back and based on their observations, the Earth acquired the nickname the "Blue Planet" (70% of the earth's surface is covered in water, and humans have only explored 5 percent of it). Earth doesn't take 24 hours to rotate, it actually takes 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds for the Earth to rotate once completely on its axis, which astronomers refer to as a Sidereal Day.
Standing on that equator you would be spinning around Earth's centre at 1000 miles per hour. At the poles, however, you would be standing still (and turning in a circle)
Gravity is not distributed equally. Yes, you read that right. Places like Hudson Bay in Canada have less gravity than other regions of the globe. This is due to the fact that there is less land mass in that part of the planet thanks both to retreating glaciers on the surface and swirling magma deep in the core.
Although earthquakes are no fun, they are not the only quakes that affect the earth. Moon quakes can actually make a difference in the tides.
Constructed from millions of tiny polyps, coral reefs are the largest living structures on Earth, and contain the highest density of life on the planet, even more than rainforests.
Just to leave you with some parting food for thought, the pacific basin contains half of the free water on Earth and could hold all the world's continents.
And one more thing. The largest single living thing (apart from reefs constructed of multiple polyps) was a mushroom fungus in Oregon that grew to 2,200 acres.

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”



Scene: Horseback-riding stable.

Mum: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.

Me: Our horses are very sweet …

Mum: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!

Me: Um … that’s a goat.



Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”



I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”

The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt Gary Toohard.



A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my co-worker asked.

“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”



Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:

• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work, probably

• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts

• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman



When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?”

Her answer: “What’s the difference?”