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  #8  
Old 07-08-2007
wendaloo's Avatar
wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.
..... Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia in the USA
and Meppershall and Royston in England and Tasmania, Australia)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


So your daughter's a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
  #9  
Old 10-08-2007
Nobody  Nobody is offline
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JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she
needed
some cyanide.
The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I
can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my
license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in
bed... with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."
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howdy blanket girl!! :)
  #10  
Old 10-08-2007
Cj's TJ's Avatar
Cj's TJ  Cj's TJ is offline
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Two men walked into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it!

How to elephants hide in strawberry patches?
Paint their toenails red

How to elephants hide in cherry trees?
Paint their balls red

How did tarzan die?
Picking Cherries!!!
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I like beer
Kids in the back + no roof + lots of mud = Satisfaction
  #11  
Old 10-08-2007
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi' J.sus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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  #12  
Old 12-08-2007
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wendaloo  wendaloo is offline
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ROFLMAO oh dear.
  #13  
Old 12-08-2007
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Tasar  Tasar is offline
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Good morning class," A university professor greets his brand new students.
Welcome to your first official day of training. But before we begin, I'd
like to ask each student to quickly introduce themselves and give a little
information on what led them to be interested in this particular field of
work."
The blond student in the first seat stands up. "Hello everyone!" The blond
addresses, "Probably like many of you, I grew up in a small town. My dad was
a farmer, of course. I remember as a little kid, I used to love helping him
out with the land and the animals. I would assist him any chance I got. Even
our neighbours, when they would let me! So, like many of you probably, I
thought to myself why not do it for a living?"
After brief silence, the professor replies "And that's why you've chosen
this profession? Because of your love of assisting farmers?"
"That's right!" The Blonde student replies proudly. "I want to be a
pharmacist."
  #14  
Old 13-08-2007
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bikemat  bikemat is offline
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hahahaha i'll have to take that one to uni and give it to my farmer mate!
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