How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Hello..?”,
“Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone..?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey..?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all..!”
“Oh my good God..!!!
What about your Uncle Paul..?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool with a clunk and I think he’s dead.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming Pool..?????? …. Is this Cardiff 486-5731..?”
Ooooops

[layback40]

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy, Little Johnny.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
Johnny says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That's not a record is it?"........he replied...."It is for a 10 year old."!

[layback40]

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

[layback40]

Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." !

[layback40]

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.

So he takes the chief for a walk. He points to a tree and says
"This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"

The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.

"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"

The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flusters and says, "Man riding bike"

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?

The chief looks at the priest and replies, "My bike."

[layback40]

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents

Police: Where does your parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If I tell you, you wont believe me

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house.

[layback40]

SKY NEWS REPORT: When the Irish joined in the attack against Syria, they sent 3 ships, 2 were full of sand and the other was full of cement.....
It was a mortar attack!