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  #6630  
Old 30-03-2016
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I substituted my wifes lip balm with super glue yesterday
she's still not talking to me
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  #6631  
Old 30-03-2016
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A blonde was trying to sell her old car.She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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  #6632  
Old 31-03-2016
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I'm about three years into my relationship with my girlfriend now and I've started to have Erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have very different ideas as to what the problem really is :-
She bought me some Viagra..
And I've bought her a Treadmill...
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  #6633  
Old 08-04-2016
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I had written him a text

Which I'd sent, hoping the next

Time he came in mobile coverage

He'd have time to say hello.



But I'd heard he'd lost his iPhone,

So I emailed him from my smart phone,

Just addressed, on spec, as follows:

clancy@theoverflow



And the answer redirected

Wasn't quite what I'd expected

And it wasn't from the shearing mate

Who'd answered once before.



His ISP provider wrote it

And verbatim I will quote it:

'This account has been suspended:

You won't hear from him anymore.'



In my wild erratic fancy

Visions come to me of Clancy:

Out of reach of mobile coverage

Where the Western rivers flow.



Instead of tapping on the small screen,

He'd be camping by the tall green

River gums, a pleasure

That the town folk never know.



Well, the bush has friends to meet him

But the rest of us can't greet him:

Out there, even Telstra's network

Doesn't give you any bars.



He can't blog the vision splendid

Of the sunlit plains extended

Or tweet the wondrous glory

Of the everlasting stars.



I am sitting at the keyboard,

I'm too stressed out to be bored

As I answer all the emails

By the deadlines they contain.



While my screen fills with promotions

For 'Viagra' and strange potions

And announcements of the million-dollar

Prizes I can claim.



But the looming deadlines haunt me

And their harassing senders taunt me

That they need response this evening

For tomorrow is too late!



But their texts, too quickly ended,

Often can't be comprehended

For their writers have no time to think

They have no time to wait.



And I sometimes rather fancy

That I'd like to trade with Clancy:

Just set up an email bouncer

Saying 'Sorry, had to go.'



While he faced an inbox jamming

Up with deadlines and with spamming

As he signed off every message:

clancy@theoverflow
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  #6634  
Old 08-04-2016
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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? A bagel.



Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?

A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"



A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 others to say, "man, I could do that!"

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not enter."

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."

Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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  #6635  
Old 13-04-2016
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Curly went hunting one day up in The Northern Territory'
and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his Ute and was about to
drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting license, so
Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and
picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said,
"This duck ain't from The Territory. This is a Queensland duck.
You got a Queensland huntin' license?"
Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said
"This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia.
You got a West Australian license?"
Curly reached into his wallet and produced
A West Australian hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,
sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck,
this duck's from South Australia. You got a South Australian Huntin license?"
Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a
South Australian license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly "Just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert...".
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  #6636  
Old 15-04-2016
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The other day someone told me that Nutella is pronounced ‘Noottella’ because it is Italian. But clearly it’s pronounced the way it is because it is made of hazelnoots.

No, I can’t get out of bed. The blankets have accepted me as one of their own, if I leave now I might lose their trust.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

There is no angry way to say bubbles.

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.” One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.



Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”



Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.



Wouldn’t life be great if:

Stickers always peel off cleanly.

The toilet paper roll is never empty at the wrong time.

The battery is always full at the right time.

Video pop up ads did not exist.

The other sock never goes missing.

The weather reader is always right.

Someone always has a pen.
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