How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[layback40]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[layback40]

Got sacked from my job this morning. First customer I served was a midget. While I was setting up all i said was "il be with you shortly"
How was I suppose to know his name was Lee.

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Seriously hope this helps you and your little stinking problem.
As Australians we take pride in peeling one out to impress those around us. For a while anyway.
The following are different types of farts and what they may mean for you.

Loud Farting – It doesn’t matter if they have odor or not, loud farts are likely the most embarrassing of any type. The sound of the fart is really only a matter of the vibrations that are caused by the gas exiting the body. More than likely, you feel a degree of relief after expelling the gas, that is, after you leave the presence of those who are laughing.

Farts with No Odor – There may be a degree of relief involved in this type of fart and fortunately, the embarrassment tends to end once the noise is forgotten. The vast majority of flatulence is odorless and it occurs because of a breakdown of food that results in a build up of hydrogen or carbon.

Smelly Farts – Like farts with no odor, smelly farts also contain carbon and hydrogen but they may also contain sulfur. This is due to the digestion of fibrous healthy foods, such as cabbage, broccoli or other green vegetables. A gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic said that the smell of farts may play another role in our health as well. According to him, the bacteria that makes sulfide gas is really important. Farts can be smelly but it also reduces the amount of gas flow that is occurring.


Excessive Farting – If you fart more than 23 times per day, it may be a sign that something is wrong. Although it is not unusual to fart that much if you are on a high fiber diet, it can also be caused by other issues, such as lactose intolerance, irritable bowel syndrome and even colon cancer. Excessive farting may be combined with bloating, constipation and abdominal pain. If you are eating a normal fiber diet and consistently fart to an excessive degree, you might want to check with your physician.

Misconceptions about Farting

We tend to be embarrassed about farting, which makes it seem as if we fart more frequently than what we actually do. If you begin counting your farts, you may find that you are more in line with the norm than you first realized.

In addition, if you make a little too much noise or are too fragrant with your flatulence, don’t assume that you are leaving an unhealthy life. Although it is true that a high fiber diet will cause more gas, removing fiber from the diet may have negative consequences as well.

[layback40]

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

[bruggz351]

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap.
Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it.
He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it.
Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"
The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.
"My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!"
The nuns can't believe it.
The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie.
"My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"

[layback40]

A local police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of a local Police website:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our favourites.